“Intrusive thoughts infiltrated every moment of my life as a new mum”

Being a registered valuer for four years, and a surveyor for over a decade, I had naturally prepared for having a baby by undertaking extensive research about the task at hand... I read multiple birth and parenting books, attended NCT classes, and gathered as much evidence as I could from friends and family.

I knew to expect the unexpected and at no point to assume I ‘had everything sorted’.

In my research, I had heard about postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, postpartum psychosis. I knew the signs to look out for, how to help myself, and where to get help from externally.

However, one condition I’d never heard of was postpartum OCD. Perhaps that was why I lived for months thinking this ‘new normal’ - intrusive thoughts, hearing things, panic attacks - was just down to postpartum hormones or a (severe) lack of sleep.

Nobody around me thought any differently either. I was a first-time mum with the usual anxiousness that comes with being responsible for a tiny person. That must be the reason I was checking the baby’s car seat five times, had to touch both straps until I felt like I’d touched them both evenly, and would then sit in the car panicking about all the ways in which other drivers could fatally harm her by making one wrong move on the road.

Maternity leave is an expensive endeavour. Why would anyone question, then, that I checked banking apps multiple times an hour, calculated every penny going in and out, and was filled with worry that someone would take my child from me if we didn’t pay the cards off by the end of the month?

I hit a breaking point when I realised my intrusive thoughts were infiltrating every moment of my life.

"OCD? But I'm not obsessed with cleaning?"

I would have to pause at the bottom of the stairs as I had envisioned my daughter falling down them.

I’d boil a kettle and panic that the baby – safely asleep upstairs - might douse herself in the boiling water.

I had thought ‘intrusive thoughts’ were simply unpleasant tangents of the imagination but how wrong I was. These were sinister, constant, and they took over my whole body. Emotionally, my body was responding as if these awful things were happening in real time.

I was very fortunate to be able to reach out to postnatal support services who quickly identified what was going on.

“OCD?” I said, “But I’m not obsessed with cleaning?”

(And whilst it’s true that OCD is not all about cleaning, ironically when I had this conversation with a professional, I had just finished preparing for their visit by manically tidying…)

It turns out OCD is much more than just wanting to keep things clean; it’s about obsessive thinking and intrusive thoughts that can sometimes manifest themselves in repetitive behaviours and cause extreme amounts of stress.

The diagnosis was made postnatally, but the symptoms that had come to the forefront were not entirely new to me. It seemed that perhaps I had been living with this longer than I’d appreciated, and having a baby had brought it to the surface (hormones and poor sleep will reveal the chink in most armour!)

I later discussed the symptoms with other family members with children and we laughed about how they knew exactly where I was coming from, and they experience these things too. However, it seems that mental health for new mothers has come a long way in recent decades. One family member suspects they may have lived with OCD their whole life.

Getting support - and preparing for the next chapter

For many reasons - thankfully none of them prejudice - I have not accepted medication for my condition. Instead, I have been on courses about Compassionate Mind Training, read around the topic of OCD some more, and been to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

I can now identify the intrusive thoughts for what they are: unpleasant and inaccurate workings of the imagination. This means I can put them ‘in their place’.

Sometimes, they can even make my husband and I laugh. “Could you put the baby’s books on the shelf? If they don’t go away then I could seem ungrateful for them and all the family that bought them will stop talking to us and our child will wonder why nobody loves her.” (Even typing it seems ridiculous, but I was genuinely tearful thinking about it!)

My next big hurdle will be the return to work later in May. I will suddenly not be around my child 24/7 and will be entrusting her to a nursery (who have been fantastic in accommodating my additional requirements!)

I will need to balance drop offs, pick ups, deadlines and family time. I will be undertaking inspections and writing reports, and I am nervous about how OCD might impact those things. However, Vail Williams (my employer) have been fantastically supportive in response to my reaching out with the diagnosis, so I am confident that stepping back into my role will be the start of an exciting new chapter for me.

What do I hope someone might take away from me sharing my story? Well, for starters, I want new mothers to be aware that such a condition exists! Particularly in the surveying world, we can be so attuned to a culture of ‘attention to detail’, ‘plan ahead’ and so on, that we don’t always notice when these healthy habits take a turn on us.

Secondly, I want to encourage anyone who may suffer from intrusive thoughts to discuss OCD (along with other potential conditions) with a medical professional. Finally, my being open with my employer, family, friends and myself has helped exponentially for living with this illness and making me feeling like I’m back on my feet.

LionHeart ambassador Elise Thompson is a registered valuer and chartered surveyor, APC assessor and mentor - and now mum to a baby girl, aged almost one. She has shared her story in the hope it will encourage other new mums struggling with their mental health to reach out for support.

Find out more

• Find out more about LionHeart's counselling service, including CBT therapy
• Contact the LionHeart helpline if you need support

You may also be interested in the following blog:

'When the reality of motherhood doesn't quite go to plan'

When Caroline's much-wanted baby was born desperately ill, the rollercoaster of emotions would change her forever. She shares her story of illness, depression and breakdown - and how her family coped when the odds were stacked against them. READ HERE